My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
