there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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