Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
