omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
