I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
