I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
