Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
