Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Randomize
