Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
