I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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