i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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