I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
