I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I think my moral compass just broke
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