i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
