tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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