pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
is that a dick in a sweater?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
