i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
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