we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
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How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
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I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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