I got chris browned last night
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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