My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
