Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
