I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
