After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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