He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Randomize
