dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
