True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
