that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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