Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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