i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
you made out with another girl for some wings
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
