just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
