Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
