I'm jealous of your bromance
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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