We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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