No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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