There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Randomize
