i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
