if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
