if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
