all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
