Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
