New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
