I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
