I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
So many bounce houses so little time
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Randomize
