Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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