Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
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I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
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Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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