My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
