I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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