The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
