my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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