my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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