3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
