I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
