***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
