this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
