I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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