Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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