My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Randomize
