THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
