When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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