My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
