can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
