We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
