Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Randomize
