well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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