What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
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He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
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Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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