the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
