My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
